Thursday, December 02, 2010

Reservoir Gods

And so it came to pass that the Istari were brought before the Council of the Valar to hear more about the signal task their wise masters would set before them.SarumanImage via Wikipedia

And in one voice the Valar spoke. "Maiar, great spirits, my brothers, you know already the work we have charged you with, of giving aid to the good people of Middle Earth to resist Sauron in his dominance. Now we would perform a ritual to that end and bestow on you the names and colours by which you will be known among men. You will be known thus. Saruman, the white; Gandalf, the grey; Radagast, the brown. Oh, and to Allatar and Pallando, you will be, err, blue? Yes, blue."

"And now, we move to..., yes. Radagast. What would you say to the Council?

"Just one thing. Why the fuck do I have to be brown?"

"It is our unquestionable wisdom that..."

"Unquestionable, my arse. Why can't we pick our own colours?"

"No. We tried that before. Didn't work."

"Anyone want to trade? Allatar? Pallando?

"I can think of a reason you're brown."

"Fuck you, Saruman. Easy for you to say. You have a cool-sounding name.

"Grey isn't great."

"It's a sight better than brown, Gandalf. Think grey, get doves, dappled horses, storm clouds. But brown? That's too close to shit.

"Again, I can think of a reason..."

"Saruman, really, shut it. Okay? Or I'll stick that staff where the Daystar don't shine."


"I want to pick my own colour. How about black? I'll be Radagast the black."

Thus spake the Council of the Valar. "Black! You fucking idiot. We're the good guys. Now we know why we named you brown, you shit for brains. You're brown. You are so brown."

"Fuck you."

"And you. You're done."

And so the Council was dissolved and the Istari placed upon Middle Earth to set about their great task. And everywhere Radagast went he was known to say: "Brown, yes, but more towards beige, y'know. Really. That's what they said and who am I to question the wisdom of the Valar?"
Enhanced by Zemanta


Mike Keyton said...

I've copied and posted this link to my son. He has a similar sense of humour

markb said...

I posted this to the blog because every zine I sent it to shied away citing copyright concerns. Sigh. But I like it and thought it deserved an outing.